Earlier today I put the following bit of drivel into an email. Can you regular readers guess who I sent it to?

Knock knock.

Pardon, maam, its just routine maintenance work going on. I'm here to do the monthly cleaning on your speaking tubes.

Speaking tubes? Of course, these tubes over here on the wall. You know, the ones you have to stand in front of and speak into to talk to someone far away. They get dusty if you don't use them regularly you know.

Sure, this cleaning takes just a minute. Sorry to bother you from your work. These long distance tubes really take some maintenance to keep them in order, 'never know when a crack might develop and let spiders or dirt to fall in. If that happens it takes all day to push a cleaning rag through them to clean them out and of course then you have to go track down the damaged spot and dig it up and make repairs. But its got to be done otherwise the reception just gets all bad and you can't make yourself heard or hear what the person on the other end has to say either.

Won't it be great if'n we ever get those new-fangled telephone things all the papers have been writin' about? Why, I heard that if they get the wires strung across the entire country that we should be able to talk to anyone that has a phone. This telephone thing is supposed to be even better than the telegraph since you won't have to traipse down to the telegraph office to send or get your messages. And old Chet won?t be reading your messages before you ever get them delivered from the office. Why, I heard that you will be able to talk clear out to California! Or even Utah if you knew anybody there! Won't that be remarkable? 'Course the cheapskates around here probably won't pay to have it brought into our buildings, so at least my job cleaning these pipes will be safe a few more years.

And someday, I read this in a book, someday, you are supposed to even be able to sit down at a machine on your desk and using a telegraph key or a typewriter of some kind send written words across the same lines that they are stringing to talk on using the telephone! Isn't that the wildest idea you've ever heard? Imagine. How are they ever going to make a wire big enough for everybody to use at the same time using voice and letters? Seems like everything would get all jumbled up before it ever gets to the right persons. Don't ya think?

Well anyway I'm done here. Sorry to bother you. Most of your pipes look to be in really good condition except that last one over there in the corner. Its needing some polish on that brass and there's cobwebs growing across the front of it. It will take me an afternoon to get it cleaned up and working again but if you're not using it, why it can just be left alone. Its probably better to fix it than leave it though because regular maintenance keeps everything working smoothly.

So if you want it fixed up, just give me a holler and I'll come back to get it ship-shape. Until then I'm just going to go back to figuring out how those scientists expect to send letters down an electrical wire! I'll see you again next month.

Do ya suppose it might have any positive effect? I guess I'll see. Or maybe not. Hard to tell.

UPDATE! It worked! I've received one of those new-fangled letters deliverd by wires that says the speaking tube might even be cleaned out by next week! How about that?